Oh, the saga! To breastfeed or formula feed that is the question. Actually, it wasn’t originally. The original plan was to breastfeed because as everyone knows it’s better for your baby and it’s free, but then came the thrush and the death grip/latch of my child. When you get thrush within the first 48 hours of your child’ life, the breastfeeding experience is immediately a horrible one. You never really get to experience normal breastfeeding and your child never really gets to learn how to do it properly. His thrush causes him to eat every 45 minutes and when he has a death grip/latch that causes you to bleed there is inevitably trouble.
We tried and we tried hard. We endured the pain, took all of the antibiotics and applied special ointment; we even went on a gluten and dairy free diet. We cried every meal time (both of us). He screamed for more and more and I practically had an anxiety attack before and after every feeding. It was TERRIBLE. On top of it all, there is the guilt and pressure. The guilt because I really wanted to breastfeed my child, but now I don’t. Am I a terrible mother because I hate this experience? How horrific is it that I don’t want to be with or hold my baby because I am so terrified he will want to eat again? They say it’s a beautiful bonding experience, but this is not healthy bonding for me. So, then we tried pumping. It was such a relief physically and mentally for a few days. I could provide my child with breast milk and not live in constant agony, but then it took its toll. I was pumping every 2 hours and feeding him every 3. You do the math to figure out how exhausting that might be. Add to that math only pumping 2 ounces after a 45 minute pumping session, for a child who eats way more, and the numbers will tell you this isn’t going to work.
So, what do I do? The pressure is everywhere. Everyone I know breastfeeds, my doctor’s office has a live-in lactation consultant I have to face weekly, and every internet article on feeding assumes that I am breastfeeding. Even the formula cans condemn me with their “Experts Agree, Breastfeeding is Best” stickers! And you know what? Breastfeeding is best. Breastfeeding is proven to increase your child’s immunity and improve his health. It develops a healthier brain and can help prevent diseases like cancer later on in life. It helps restore a mother’s health as well and even lose that baby weight! But formula isn’t fatal. For my little guy and me, it’s been life-giving. I am now strictly formula feeding my little guy and we are getting along great! The first four weeks of his life he didn’t gain any weight. One week on formula and he did. I don’t dread feeding him and I’ve stopped having anxiety attacks about feeding him. He can eat as much as he wants and we finally bonded. Formula isn’t the ideal choice, but there is no sin or shame in formula feeding. Feeding my child is about providing him nourishment to grow and safe, secure protection in mommy’s arms. Judging by his sweet chubby cheeks and the smile on his face, we are doing just fine.
Beautifully written. I know exactly what that experience was like. Mine was similar, on multiple occasions. So on our fourth son, currently on formula, there was less guilt and more satisfaction knowing that he will still be a healthy child. Good luck to you, your family and your little prince.
ReplyDeleteJamie! I've been thinking about you a ton, so I saw Louis in the church parking lot and made him endure a big conversation about lactation. Be gentle with him :) But with Walker, I struggled through breastfeeding for awhile; with Courtney, not a DROP. I was braced for the lecture from that lactation consultant in the hospital, but I was SURE I wasn't doing it again. THERE'S SO MUCH PRESSURE. WHY OH WHY IS THERE SO MUCH PRESSURE? Don't look back. And if he gets sick (Louis said someone told you that), it's not your fault. He'll survive. Deciding not to with Courtney was the best decision I'd made...so suck it, Lactation Lady. Just kidding - she was sweet. Just wanted to use the word "suck" in this topic.
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