How I Became the CVS Bandit

Any pregnant woman knows that you can only take certain medications for the safety of your unborn child.  So, when you are sick, it’s extra important to make sure you buy the right kind. That’s why, when I ran out of Robitussin today, I carried my old bottle with me into the store. Just as I reached the cold medicine aisle of CVS, an announcement for security to scan all aisles was made. I thought to myself “Hmm…I wonder what they are taking and if it’s some teenager since school is closed?” I stare for a while at the six different Robitussin bottles on the shelf, looking back and forth between my Target-brand bottle and theirs, trying to find the same kind. I finally find the right one and realize it is $10.79 for the CVS brand!

Just then, I look up at the pharmacy and realize the pharmacist is staring at me. In my innocent naivete, I think “He’s probably wondering if I need help because I keep staring at the bottle in my hand versus theirs.” I debate for a few seconds whether I want instant cold relief at the abuse of my wallet or delayed cough suppression at the relief of my wallet. Like any sane, poor person, I decide I can wait.

 As I leave the store and get in my car, I realize a CVS employee has followed me out of the store and is staring at me in my car. I sit for a second and think “Is the person that stole something nearby?" I look around the parking lot and realize I am the only person there. So, I look back at her and realize she’s still staring at me. I think, “Does she think I stole something?” I sit in my car, waiting to see if she is going to walk over and address me. The whole time I’m thinking “How is she going to feel when she realizes all I have is my Up & Up brand of empty cough syrup?” Finally, after realizing she’s not moving, just staring, I decide “Maybe she isn’t looking at me. After all, I didn’t steal anything and I walked in the store with the bottle in hand, clearly out in the open. I’m just being paranoid.” As I reverse the car and turn out of the parking lot, I catch her writing down my license number!! I think to myself, “Does she seriously think I stole something?”

I can just read the “Wanted” headlines now: “Pregnant, Sick Woman Flees Store, Coughing with Stolen Robitussin!” I mean, “Really? You’re selling store brand Robitussin for $10.79 a bottle when Target has it for $4.04!! Who’s really getting robbed here?”